Difficult people at the workplace?

It's important to acknowledge that your own behavior almost always contributes to a situation of conflict, says Dr. Rick Kirschner, co-author of Dealing with People You Can't Stand. 

"When you include yourself in the equation, you gain a lot of leverage rather than seeing yourself as a victim," he says. And if you succeed in converting a very difficult client, often these same people become vociferous fans. 

Know thyself 

Be aware of the assumptions you make about people, and if they're really helpful to your situation. "Are your assumptions giving you an informed perspective or just something to be right about?" says Kirschner. Most conflict centres around who's right about what. What should be important to you is executing your agenda, rather than winning an argument — so you have to find ways to cooperate. 

Know thy foe 

In his book, Kirschner outlines ten behaviors that otherwise sane people resort to when they feel threatened. If you can recognize and be ready for the specific behaviors your client uses — examples include the know-it-all, the tank (a client prone to explosive, targeted attacks) and the whiner — then you're one step ahead of the game. 

Kirschner cautions that one should understand behavior and personalities as separate things. "Behavior is fluid and it changes all the time," he says. So you may have to deal with someone in different ways as different behaviors emerge. 

Find common ground 

"No one cooperates with anyone that seems to be against them", says Kirschner. That's why sending signals that you share common ground is one way to build a connection. Non-verbal cues are especially powerful, he says. If you subtly simulate your adversary's subconscious behaviours (examples: using the same tone of voice, tapping a pencil like he does or crossing your arms the way he does), it will quietly relay a message that you have something in common. This is called "blending" and, done properly, will establish a connection no amount of talking can make. (Note: don't make your blending obvious and don't blend hostile gestures). 

Redirect behavior 

Redirecting is how you exercise the influence you have gained as a result of blending. Essentially, redirecting takes the positive things your adversary can contribute and brings them forward. 

For example, a redirecting technique to deal with know-it-alls is to make them mentors. One of Kirschner's subjects found herself blocked at every turn in her career by a manager who regarded her as inexperienced. "If he's a know-it-all", reasoned Kirschner, "it's probably because he knows a lot, and maybe the way to win him over is to acknowledge how much he knows". Using blending and redirecting techniques, the woman successfully turned her tormentor into a teacher. 

Take a course — and invite your staff 

When planning your staff training courses, consider including a course on human relations, because it's best for everyone in the organization to know how to handle prickly personalities."Teaching people human relations skills, collaborative skills and understanding dispute resolution is really in the best interests of most organizations", says Alan Levy, a workplace mediator and trainer with ADL Consulting, who teaches alternative dispute resolution at the University of Toronto. That's because a lot of conflict comes from ego and poor human relations. This is especially true in the Great White North: Canadians in particular, says Levy, tend to avoid dealing with conflict. 

Those not taught to deal with difficult people see only three options. "They think they can either avoid it, give in or just bully their way through it", Levy says, "but what you really need to do is put yourself in the other person's shoes and look at things from their perspective". 

Effective Listening 

You can’t know enough about listening well. Many interviews are damaged from poor listening. 

People who listen effectively: 

1. Concentrate on what the other person is saying. Listening does not mean simply waiting for the other person to finish speaking or thinking of something else while listening. Deep listening requires you to focus solely on what the other person is saying verbally, physically, and emotionally. A primary reason to listen deeply is to gain greater understanding of someone else. Ask questions to verify that you are interpreting the cues as the speaker intends. Studies show that the average person can speak up to 125 words a minute but can process up to 500 words a minute when listening. Use this "extra time" when listening to soak in the nonverbal communication. 

2. Don't interrupt. A high-caliber listener has conscious or unconscious tricks to avoid interrupting: Jotting ideas on a notepad to refer to when it’s her turn to speak; concentrating so genuinely on what the other person is saying that it’s not paramount to interject her own thoughts; stay centered on the purpose of the conversation; and learning tactful tools to use when an interruption is absolutely necessary, as in, "Excuse me, before you continue, you mentioned that you had to leave at 2 p.m., and I notice that you’re not wearing a watch. I wanted to let you know that it’s 1:55 p.m. now." Interestingly, some communication experts distinguish between an interruption, which stops the flow of communication, and an "overlap," which occurs when participants overlap comments that build on a common idea. 

3. Squelch the urge to give unsolicited advice. Giving unsolicited advice can be perceived as "I’m right, you’re wrong," which most likely is not the outcome someone would want. When it comes time to share ideas or experiences, frame your comments as potential options such as, "One approach that worked well for me was..." 

4. Hear themselves objectively. If possible, listen in on a conversation in which you feel you are listening deeply. How? Use a tape recorder or have a recorded conversation transcribed. How well do you think you are listening? What cues give you that impression? How effective were your questions? What amount of time did you spend talking? How much did you learn about the other person(s)? Reviewing your participation in this manner allows you to "sit across the table" from yourself and see how others might perceive your listening skills. 

5. Keep filters and stereotypes in check. First impressions can last forever, stereotypes are plentiful, and all of us have filters that affect how we see the world. Such filters mean you might prejudge what a speaker is going to say or what she means before she's spoken. However, if you are listening well, these factors will not color your perception of the message you’re receiving. Deep listening requires focus. Practice behaviors that allow you to shed distractions before engaging in listening. 

6. Have patience. Slowing down is the key to good speaking and good listening. We recommend slowing down by pronouncing each word, taking pauses to breathe deeply, and practicing effective speaking by using the proper muscles (i.e., your voice and mouth). Apply these same techniques when listening. By slowing down your listening, you’ll "digest" each word and its intended meaning and be better prepared to ask purposeful questions. Likewise, a slower conversation eliminates any rushed feeling, which reduces the urge to interrupt.